I Don't NEED Words!

Canine communication really is a wonderful thing. When you spend lots of time with your dog (MT and I are together 24/7 every day but Mondays when I run errands and see doctors.), if you have the most basic of observation skills, you begin to understand what your pup is "saying." 

It's no secret that I've been frustrated with Maizy True's progress using her AAC device. We do have amazing moments with it. I gave her "yes / no" buttons last Saturday and was modeling. "Coffee / no," "Water / yes." I got the bright idea to model with her toy. I picked it up and was teasing Maizy and saying "play / yes." Then I laid the toy down and said "play / no." 

She seemed interested, taking it all in. I got more animated, tickling her with her toy as I pressed "play / yes." Then, I threw the toy down, pressed "play / no" and walked toward the kitchen. 

While my back was turned, she pressed, "hike / yes!" I begged nooooo. Hike later. Too hot. But, she was up and out the door! So we took the hottest hike ever and I nearly died all because I wanted to reward her for using a brand new button minutes after getting it!

The other day, I had to call my cable company. It's one of those frustrating robo "press this / press that / confirm your account / I'm sorry I didn't get that" situations. (I seriously think every CEO should have to attempt to reach her company's customer service on a monthly basis as part of her job!) I usually end up screaming into the phone. Maizy often moves far away from me as soon as she realizes I'm on the phone with a recording. She jumped off the sofa. I thought she was going to get in her bed. But she walked over her board, pausing on her bed and with her BACK FOOT, pressed "outside" and stood by the door. Our first back foot press!!! 

But it was no button press at all that astounded me today! We had slept late and it was almost time for her normal breakfast. I keep trying to find ways to give her choices in hopes she will interact with me on the board more. So, I asked "Maizy / eat" now or "Maizy / hike" now? I waited. I could see her thinking... She turned and walked to the closet where her neighborhood walking tack is stored and looked at the door! She was very clearly telling me she wanted to stick with her usual routine of exercise first / eat after...even if breakfast would be late! 

It's a good reminder to communicate in whatever form it comes in!

Lost

You're probably wondering if I've disappeared again... and I admit I have not been great about posting. I thought Maizy's talking skills would give me oodles to talk about...but she's slow learner and not talkative. And that's OK. But I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world. I've lost the only job I ever loved!

 

I realize most of you probably have no idea what I've been up to. I lost my high school teaching job due to COVID. They wanted to return all their teacher specialists to the classrooms (which no longer existed). I worked so much harder during those first months of COVID, trying desperately to engage the disengaged teenagers...it was exhausting. Still, I managed to realize two of my favorite kiddos were suicidal and get them help... all while working over zoom and google classroom. 

But when it was over, I really didn't care! I made feeble attempts at looking for another teaching position but, something inside me told me it would not be a safe environment for me. Not with COVID out there. I am diabetic and not at my ideal weight; I have asthma. And I never knew if I would have to dash off to Louisiana to see about Mom. I was terrified of her dying of that crap! It didn't help that a sorority sister of mine died from it the second week we were on lock-down. (I've since lost an older hiking buddy to it as well.) 

By late summer, I knew I needed a better plan. I started thinking about the pandemic and realized contact tracing was an "at home" job. So I started applying and got hired... terrified I had to drive to West L.A. to fill out paperwork in some office! But, while there, they sized me up as "leadership material" and I found myself a middle management job leading a team of contact tracers in the ever-changing world of pandemic driven public health. 

It was a 3 month job I started in September of 2020. I thought by January of 2021, I'd take a midyear sub job and return to teaching "when COVID is over."  I'll wait while you finish laughing................

That December, my contract was bought out by a company with longer term ties to public health...same job, different employer of record. That contact was for a few months, then a year, then 10 more months. It was supposed to end in October. But with the surge we are in now and the one predicted this winter... with our superintendent of schools not requiring vaccines for children until next fall (!!!!!!)... with Monkey pox, AIDS, hepatitis flares.... and every health agency I meet with saying that contact tracing needs to be a permanent part of public health...I fully expected the contract to be extended again (and again. )

But three weeks ago, I woke up in a panic attack. I was freaking out about finding a new job in a new career at my age! I just assumed I was thinking of October. In truth, my Pisces spidey senses were being triggered. A week ago, as our work week started there was suddenly a company wide meeting. And I knew... My employees tried to stay so positive. It was announced a 50% work force reduction was coming. I met with my team and told them any of us could go...it could be me. They scoffed. I fill in for my boss when she's out. They thought that somehow made me immune. The next day, when the letters were to come out, I was headed to oral surgery. My boss sent me lovely text...something she's never done in the three previous oral surgeries I've had since working there. And I knew for certain, I was on the list. I had my letter right after surgery was over. Every one in my position in my division was cut. All but one of contact tracers was cut. 

This is all happening due to the loss of federal funding. The Repulican'ts won't pass the COVID bill...sigh. 

It's weird...I've never MET these people. But I love them! And I love my job! That's something I've never said in 44 years of work. I have felt valued and appreciated. I know my team has saved lives. It's been such a great ride! 

And here I am, starting over again and no idea where to go.

And Three Steps Back

 From the time I added new words (Coffee, Help and hike), Maizy has seemed a bit overwhelmed and I wonder if she'll ever get it. As a teacher, I know that learning is never linear... just some upward line. That line has a lot of peaks and valleys. But I swear, we have more valleys than peaks! 

If you are following online on my data keeping, you probably wonder if I remember to write it all down or just skip days. Truth be told, I do NOT! She has days on end with no words! It's so frustrating. 

I know Maizy is smart. She's almost "Mabel-smart" (hey, Mabel could triangulate math!). She takes to things so quickly and I guess that makes this journey all the more frustrating. 

I'm sticking to the advice of waiting a week or so before adding new buttons, even if she is not interacting with them. Keep modeling - I'm so freaking tired of announcing my exits and dining habits. Keep target training. 

I thought I had an original idea the other night. Maizy loves to watch tv. I've never had a dog give a flip about television. The bad part is: There cannot be a dog on tv... Maizy barks her freaking head off. Jeez, she's loud for a little dog! But I put Bunny, Bastian & Stella videos (google those names with "talking dog" if you want to be amazed!) on tv while I was getting ready for bed. 

After one of our videos played on accident, Maizy was scream barking at herself! I was kinda dreading what was next. To my surprise, she watched intently!!! The next day, we had a record breaking FIVE button presses! Turns out, watching other dogs interact with their buttons is a recommended training technique. I'm not so smart after all! 

Since that day, we've had one a day and NONE today... and yes, we got new buttons yesterday! We are up to 12 now. So I guess today's regression is expected. But is sure is disheartening to deal with.

Give Me Strength

Note: I wrote this post DEEP into my first year of teaching a program that school districts like to label Emotionally Disturbed. I was cleaning out some old drafts and decided to share it with you all. I've been trying to come to terms with what I've been up to since 2015 and I feel it's time to let go... and I do that by writing. So here goes....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Sign from my E.D. Classroom

"What the f)(& am I supposed to do with him all day?" he screamed at me.

I was stunned into silence for 10 seconds. I was on the phone with the baby daddy of one of my students. Teen father to a now 11 year old troubled boy with a hair-pin trigger on his temper. Now I know he comes by it biologically.

I had called him early...before school started...to tell him that his child had tooth pain. I knew I had woke him up. He works nights. His mother who helps him raise his son raises the boy for him was out of town.

I finally answered, "He's your son..."

He released another barrage of  f bombs on me. "Doesn't that effing school have an effing nurse to give him some medicine?"

"Actually sir, we only contract with a nurse for services one day a week and today is not that day...and besides, we can't DRUG your child. If you get a prescription, you can..."

"What kind of effing school are your running there with a effing nurse one day a week? What a effing loser school. I guess I'll pick his a$$ up and take him to the ER?"

I interrupted him, "I'll have the paperwork ready to go in the office." I hung up stunned.

How can someone talk about their child that way?  This boy's behavior makes so much more sense. I see him elated every Friday. "Dad's gonna take me ___________ (motocrossing, skateboarding, to the beach, to a movie, snowboarding...)"

And come Monday, his spirit is dragging behind him on the sidewalk.

"What's the matter Bub... Dad had to work?" (Didn't feel like doing anything with you, lied to you, doesn't give a flip what he promised you days ago?)

"Yeeaah," he says deflated, defeated and lost.

I sobbed before I got the kids that morning. I hated to think that I had to send this boy home, away from the teachers and aides who love him and want the best for him to spend the day and weekend (and rest of his life) with his pathetic dad.

There are days I love my job. And there are days I wonder if I'm strong enough to keep it.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess, in the end, I wasn't!

Target Training with Maizy True

 Well, the buttons have arrived! I gave her one to start: OUTSIDE. A few days later, I added "water" and "eat." I added two tiles. I'm working on tile layout and design. So many of the talking dogs I admire have had a total regression when a pawrent had to move the buttons around. 

 Maizy True has sniffed around them but nothing so far. It occurred to me that she doesn't know the meaning of "touch" so we are working on target training: 

In the meantime, I'm making spreadsheets and planning for future buttons. Just wish there was some indication she will engage with it. I have bells on both outside doors and she does ring those when we she wants out. 

In the mean time, I'm modeling, modeling, modeling...constantly! I announce my exit of the house and make a big deal out of both of us drinking water and eating. "Mom EAT now. Maizy EAT later. I've gone back into "total teacher mode," over-enunciating every thing I say to her. I make a point of talking to her in AAC speak, instead of our usual conversational tone. "Wanna go for a walk?" is now "Want WALK now, Hmmmm????" 

It's a journey, ya'll!

Big Bones

I ran across this pic of Puppy Lou (a/k/a Mabel Lou, the Queen Bitch of Everything)  with a huge bone I had waiting for her the day I brought her home from K-9 jail.

And... one I got for Macy... they have different techniques for sure.

 As bones to chew on go, this girl has bit off more than she can chew! Teachers work such LONG hours! Who knew??? Add in that I teach special ed and am expected to work on legal documents pertaining to my students' education that can take 27 - 30 hours each on my own time AND that I'm in a graduate level program to earn my teaching credential... and you will know why I say I'm a terrible pet mom!

I have honestly asked myself if Macy would be better off living with the RottRovers... and while the Pro and Con sheet was mostly yes... I selfishly have decided I need her for my own mental health. I'm in over my head and feel like I'm sinking more every day... and my girl is the best part of my life. I never dreamed I'd be leaving her for so long teaching school! My heart aches for her. And when I'm home...I'm not here... always working on my laptop. Which may explain why I'm not blogging much. I try to give Macy the most I can!

I hope all of you are well.

Necessary Conversation

Dealing with a shy, tender-hearted dog is still relatively new to me, making this so much harder to write. My previous three dogs were also shelter / rescue dogs. The two adult rottweilers clearly had a past but clearly appreciated me drawing a line in the sand for their guidance. I'm not saying I wasn't a pushover. Milly came to me understanding a litany of commands in both German and English. It took me about a week to surmise she would respond to the last one I tried! I made the switch to English only made when she failed to respond, I would show her. She quickly got the message that what Mamma says, goes.

Milly, Maggie and Mabel all tested me and pushed my limits in their first weeks with me. Eventually, I would feel threatened enough that I felt it was time to let them know I was the Alpha and I would pin them to the floor. Once that conversation was over with, the one exception being Mabel, it was never tested again.

Mabel Lou, as always, was a different story. She tested me throughout our twelve years and I would periodically remind her I was Alpha with a pin... usually in a play session that had gotten too rough. This happened maybe four times in twelve years.

And then there is the tender heart I live with now...

Macy is the oldest dog I've ever brought home. And the best behaved. Honestly, the worst thing I can say about her is I wish she stayed a bit closer on the trail. I wish her recall was better. But  she will often come when I, in exasperation, shout, "Find a good mom!" Then she will come find me...

She didn't want to get on the furniture... I taught her that. She allows me to work on the computer and do my thing... She never demands attention (I really should've known she wasn't a rotten!). She has come around to like petting, finally seeming to understand that my hand can mean good things. I have to remind myself to play with her! She seems to get that just because Mom is loud and boisterous doesn't not mean she is in trouble.  Macy does so many things right, but when I enter the room, her face will often flush with fear... What have I done wrong now?  Nothing my dear. You are beautiful, you are kind, you are sweet, you are important. I SEE you Macy Girl. I see YOU!  I tell her this daily.  It's nice to get lubs... Lubs don't have to hurt.

Except for the Biting:

Macy got into a cholla the other day. This one in her shoulder and many in the top of her head.  We were hiking alone and I knew I couldn't get them out of by myself. I phoned the hiking buddy and we stopped at her house. She had gloves and pliers ready. I removed my shoe lace to try and muzzle the girl.   Macy tries her best to bite us when we're trying to help.

I just couldn't seem to get the muzzle on her and before I knew what had happened, Macy had bit and scratched both of my arms.  She doesn't break the skin...but it's a frightening exchange and leaves me spent every time she tries this!

I think back on the pure bred rottweilers I've brought home as adults and the big powerful mix Mabel Lou was.  Collectively, the three of them snapped at me four times. I startled Milly awake... trying to put a sock on Maggie's cancer ridden foot and it HURT... Mabel with cholla twice.  but NEVER did they make contact! Not even that close. It was more of a "Hey, I don't like that but...ok..whatever...!" And it was over. 

Macy doesn't really bite that hard but my body parts are definitely ending up in her mouth!

Yep, I Have to Do This:

As she slid down from biting both my arms, landing in a "sit-pretty," she fell over. I found myself dropping with her, crawling up her body, no weight on her...just the threat of my body being up in her business. I calmly grabbed her throat, held her to the ground and in a low, calm voice told her, "I am your Alpha and forever Mom. I will never hurt you deliberately. It is not OK for you to bite me or your Aunties when we are helping you!"  She had been struggling but as I talked, she stopped. When she stopped, I caressed her and quickly got off of her. She stayed put for a second before her canine buddies rushed over to her and it was over.

That night she pouted and I fretted. Did I break my tender girl? A friend pointed out that if she was pouting, she was over it... I laughed and waited. By bedtime, she was cuddling for her usual two minutes and not a second longer.

A day later, my annual sinus infection hit with a vengeance. I had a fever of 102.5, crawling into bed, I was shocked Macy was joining me. She's slept with me for most of the last week, save for one night!

I hope we've turned another corner...

She Giveth; She Taketh Away

Those of you who follow us on Facebook or Instagram probably know that I started "bed training" Macy a few weeks ago.

#proof of the FOUR in a row bed #cuddles I've gotten #briberyworks @chewy #cookies #treats ❤💕💜💓💛 my silly #pup #dogs #macyblue

That came to a grinding halt when, the day before my birthday, I picked up norovirus at school. Eight days later and I'm still not right in the gut! We had done zero days of bed training from the 1st of the month. I had a relapse at work this past Tuesday...found out I had made myself sicker by taking Imodium.  I spent the afternoon really ill and was so relieved when it was over around 8pm. We turned in early and I was so grateful for the sleep. Hard, stupid sleep. 

Suddenly my bed was moving! Living in earthquake country, I always try to steal a glance at the clock just to get a sense of time before we lose power. It was 10:54 and that was no earthquake! It was Macy Blue! Getting on my bed with NO cookies in sight! In the middle of the night!!!!!! 

I petted her a bit but was so exhausted... we both slept til 7:30 am! I was over joyed that she was still by my side come morning and we cuddled and lingered until I heard her tummy growling! 

I couldn't wait to call Mom and tell her I was certain we'd turned a corner. 

Cut to...

Wednesday afternoon, a sunny bedroom just down the hall. 

Since Macy Blue was so sweet to sleep all night with me, it clearly must be time to continue her training. Instead of putting nap treats in her bed, I placed them in her "bed lure" spots:  One on top of the stairs, one on the foot of the bed and three in her "spot." 

She gobbled them up, sniffed for more and... jumped down and curled up in her bed!

Sigh... Three steps forward... five steps back.

Still Beating

I hope no one faints with me posting twice in two days.We have no one to hike with on Saturdays so I've been adding Mr. Bart for extra protection. He's a Senior citizen now but he still disappears at times ... to do "Bart stuff." I went back to the upper river as it's been really hot and Bart and Macy have both been suffering on the mountain trail.

I marveled at the dried mud the waters had overflowed it's banks.

Macy and Bart had both slipped further downstream...it was too overgrown for me to follow...when I found myself face to face with three huge pitt bulls. At first I thought they belonged to the homeless guy who lives nearby...but his are smaller and bark well before they get near people or strange dogs. Finally their owner showed up. After telling me they were friendly, he noticed my leashes and the foursome took off toward my car. Macy and Bart showed up as soon as the big dogs were gone. Wanting to kill some time, I hiked up my pants and just ran into the river. 

It was just so strange to stand in a spot you know but realize the ground is not where you remember it being. It was obvious I had a much higher vantage point. I went up to where the hill had washed out and check it out:

As I mucked about trying to find my bearings, I noticed Macy had decided to take a trail nap.

Only she was chewing on the leg bone of some critter... ewwwww!

I decided to find that clump of bamboo and work from there. I just kept staring down stream, squatting to try and get my vantage point right. I just couldn't imagine that boulder washing away...

Then suddenly, I realized I was standing on it!

It didn't wash away.. it's just been buried! Here's another shot from up in the air...those are our leashes for size reference.

It's been a weird month since David's funeral...I've called Macy "Mabel" more in the last month than I have in a year and 7 months prior. I'm sure that losing my friend has amplified Mabel's loss for me in some ways.

But I love knowing that our boulder is still there! Maybe it's not mine to linger over any more. Maybe it will be someone else's favorite spot someday when the waters come and reveal it again.

FINALLY! A Love Bug Appears

I've made it no secret that I love Macy Blue far more than I know she loves me. I loved her the instant I saw her soulful eyes on the Internet. When we still weren't best buds at the one year mark, I started to fear that this dog may never love me. But a convo with the therapy dog handler at the high school made me realize that all Macy has been through makes her need more time. Plus... how do you live somewhere for THREE YEARS, end up in a shelter, get adopted for three days each,  three more times and then expect the new place with the new weird lady is permanent?? No wonder my girl is so blue...

She's made progress. A lot of it is thanks to Sue living here. Macy would always stop at the back door even if we were side by side... I'd get in the house and realize she's sitting there not sure if she should come in. She holds her potties from 5 pm until 10 or 11 the next morning! Even though I take her out, and keep her between me and the door, she's so afraid of being locked out, she'd rather be uncomfortable. Toys and play time were a mystery. 

But Sue... Our beloved Sue passed away in November peacefully at her new Portland home.  But she remains Macy's greatest teacher! And I don't think we'd be where we are today without Sue's loving training!

I've known and loved Sue since she was a pup. And the first time she came over, she, her brother Hank and Mabel all made themselves comfy in my bed as Mabel showed them around! I live in a big dog house...there is very little off limits. But Macy Blue had been here 15 months when Sue moved in and she still didn't get it. Macy would pause at the back door and Sue would simply walk around her and come on in. Sue would sleep on the sofas, climb in my bed and come up to me and demand some affection. Sue grew up being treated as an equal. Macy would stare at Sue in astonishment...  You walked in the back door! And Mom doesn't seem to mind...

 

Macy took it all in. But she didn't change...yet.

There was the day that I started getting texts at work...Macy has cleaned out the toy box... and she's playing with toys! Macy loved playing with Sue and seemed to get it when Sue naturally included me and her mom in the games. Oh.... we all play together....hmmmm.

When they left for Portland, Macy and I were both so sad, I took her to the store and bought her a bunch of her own toys. Since she didn't play, she only had one that wasn't Mabel's... and it had been deaded by Macy and Sue. And she let me play with her ... a little bit.

But this past week, it all shifted...in the weirdest way! It started a when for the first time ever, I remembered the school has a late start on Tuesdays. I had more morning time at home with my girl! I was walking from the kitchen to the living room and gave Macy a gentle scruff pinch. I do this to all the dogs and think nothing of it. But Macy screamed so loud and so hard! She always seems certain I'm trying to murder her! I dropped to my knees to offer her comfort, she rolled over and pissed herself! I petted her, I cleaned the floor and spent the day alternating between tears for my sad girl and anger at whoever made her this way!  Momma did not get mad at the pee on the floor...hmmmm.

And just like that, she came up to me a few nights ago and... she wanted me to play with her! She brought a toy! I got on the floor and we played for an hour straight. She even allow me to chase her around the kitchen and living room! And we've played every night since!

But that's not all!! I have gotten a full on sofa cuddle and she even allowed me to hold her!!! She slept in my lap! I've not gotten one of these without fireworks in the neighborhood!

And friends have noticed too... she comes up to them willingly to offer a greeting or to get pets! And, with lots of treats, she is FINALLY opting for a potty break before bed. She knows, no potty, no cookie! And she even asks to go out early in the morning without me walking all the way in the yard...is she trusting that she won't be locked out???  I pray this is permanent...that my girlie is starting to trust and know that she is loved!

Just a reminder of the contest going on to guess Macy's lineage. Please comment on that post.

My Life According to Facebook

I always dread these type of year in review things on Facebook...mainly because I just don't "do" photos. Most family members know this but there is  always some people on the fringe of the family that just don't get it and upload and tag...ugh.

And the last few years I've done these...it was all about death. My dead sister, my dead dog. Yeah, that's a real fun year Facebook.

So I was super surprised and oh so pleased to get this:

Apparently 2015 was all about the Mace! Macy Blue!!! From L-R: at the beach; our Thanksgiving hike, on the porch sofa (hanging with our house guests), in Auntie B's backyard, the day she figured out stuffies; our painting from Chewy.com, MB's paw on my shoe - her little safety trick when we are away from home and she wants to drift off to sleep but she's afraid I'll leave her. This was when I knew she liked me finally! (Back on the left) After getting skunked, stalking my coffee; With all the toys I bought her when our houseguests left us. We were sad...we needed toys! And playing with her elephant.

It's so wonderful to see how far she's come!!

November Bittids

I keep thinking I will get here for a proper update ... and then only feel terribly guilty that I don't. Life just seems to be throwing me one curve ball after another. Just this month alone has been a doozy and the whole year has been like that!

• While I've passed two of the three teaching credential exams with flying colors, I keep delaying the math and science test...and if I continue to delay, it'll cost me another year in the sub pool. And yet I cannot find time to study...
• Macy Blue had managed to learn what to do with toys. While I would like to take creidt for all my running around and tossing toys in the air...it was Sue living here that really taught her about interacting with humans and playing with toys. I got a text one day at school... Macy was cleaning out the toy box! The day our pals left for Portland, we couldn't bear to watch them drive away, so we went to PetSmart for all new toys for the girl. 

 

• For the first time all year, I had scheduled bookings in the larger school district. But two weeks ago,  I got a bad sore throat and while hiking that Sunday, I could barely move. I just felt weak. I drove to urgent care with Macy in the car. They took my temperature and it was 103! I usually get tingly lips with the slightest fever...but not that day. I was shocked! A trip to the drug store followed by hours of phone calls / faxes and emails to cover my jobs before I could take to my bed. 
• Barely 24 hours later, still with a fever, I found out my mother was mugged at the casino. Before I could talk to her, I jumped online and started closing her accounts and phone and sending AAA her way. This led to days of work restoring her life to normal. The asshat takes a purse but nearly rendered her helpless... New drivers license... she is 92. New glasses, new credit cards... The thief took her only electronic key to her car... $80 bucks and a half hour digital programming. New phone. Those things have finally all been restored...but the confidence she lost is gone. 
• And on the same day, I learned my long time tenant at my condo had lost her mother in England... and I have no rent coming in this month...when I've lost so much work already. 
• A few nights before I got sick, I got to go and visit Dave. I was so upset at being sick as I knew I wouldn't get to see him again...and I didn't. While his death was expected, it has hurt so bad. He's my first adult friend I've lost. I've lost lots of family, but not a friend til now. It's just so terribly sad to lose someone I thought of as "young." 

•  Thanksgiving was small and quiet. I spent too much time cooking food that came out awful... but got to visit with an old and dear friend on Friday. 
• Saturday was a dog beach day. Macy just loves the ocean. I never see her smile the way she does at the beach. She often races to the water and dives in the breakwater. The full moon brought the highest tides I've ever seen. Luckily the girl used such good judgement and didn't go too deep while enjoying a romp with her boys! 
• I'm prepping for my annual holiday trunk next weekend... making jewelry into the wee hours. 
• My glass guild will have our annual holiday party next weekend and the following one brings two more events... making me more social than I've been in months. I don't do sockial well.
• Mother is coming for Christmas in a few weeks.
• My bestie's niece that we all helped raise is expecting her first child in March... a girl. I'm gonna be a Gramma! We are all over the moon! So many boys in the family. The niece is the only girl... and now a little girl to spoil!! 

Maybe you'll get why my head is spinning... 

I Hope They Are Hiking Together

This photo is a repost from November 9, 2013. I love this photo because my pal Dave is completely unaware he's about to be assaulted by a rottengreyhoundlabradork that loves him. Mabel's excitement upon seeing him...or any friend was always visible in her whole body.

David passed away yesterday after an oh-so-brief and brutal battle with cancer that attacked him on multiple fronts. While he was one of the newest members of the Creekerati, he was dearly loved and is sorely missed.

If there is a heaven for me, he's walking my girl that loved him so. And Hank, and Bart, and Gizmo. Dave loved all the dogs...and they loved him.

Macy the Blue

I promised myself that before I put up one more review, I would do the Macy update that... has been in my head for months - and months.  It's so hard to get enthused about this blog... Mabel was so damn colorful and something happened almost every single day. She was an entertainment riot!  Macy...is not. She's barely a dog!

Most of the time I don't even know she's there. She doesn't complain. Unless I'm in the kitchen, she's often not in the same room with me. (Funny, she just slipped into the office...) Her affections are few and far between...making me relish each and every one.

Macy the Badass

Macy got skunked back in March. While the chunk of flesh missing from her nose is obvious in this photo, the other damage is not.

There was a long streak cut across the other side of her nose and under her chin. And the primary smell zone (if you can call it that when you take a direct hit) was on the left side of her neck.  I'm pretty certain this means Miss Blue picked that skunk up! I thought Mabel Lou was badass... but Miss Macy has her beat....

Add in the time I rounded a bend on a mountain trail and found her PLAYING with a giant rattler! Yes, I marched her behind back for round two of rattlesnake training. Badass. Dumbass...I'm still not certain what I'm dealing with here.

Just 'cause I Let You Stand on My Tail...

Macy is constantly described as "stoic." Her vet, the rattlesnake trainers, friends, strangers use this term. Macy does not register emotion the way my previous dogs have. She limps with such a bob and weave that everyone who sees her will ask me what I'm doing hiking her. Yet on the mountain, she races with barely a limp! And she begs to go. It's the only time of day she gets excited. She doesn't get this excited over FOOD!


I knew when I picked Macy that I would have a problem with the height differential between the oh-so-super-model-tall Mabel and less than 1/2 her size Macy. I've nearly gone arse over teacups several times. But twice recently, I thought I was standing on the rubber mats in the shop only to find I was standing on Macy! Her tail once and her paw another time!

Neither time she made no effort to move, cry out or even let me know I was hurting her! Each time, as I realized it, I looked at her to find her staring at me, wide-eyed...but nothing else!

Emotions Are Not Her Forte

 Often when I have Macy out in public, people will tell me she looks sad. While she does have a worried look on her face... and her crooked eyebrows and ginormous jowls add to the perceived sadness, to me she often registers no emotion at all. Except...

The Big Boom Booms!!

The 4th of July was interesting. Terrifying for MB and blissful for me! Last year, Macy had been here barely a month. So instead of going up the hill to hang in the RottRover's front yard with creek buddies, I stayed home and swam and watched the local fireworks from the pool. Macy seemed fine.

I have no recollection of New Year's except I had the Swine Flu... I'm certain I took copious drugs and went to bed.  But this 4th... I went up the mountain to visit friends. I left Macy with the doggy door access but in the house, windows closed, a/c on and televisions in several rooms tuned to an easy listening station.

I returned home to a terrified pup. Shaking, drooling... and oh-so-affectionate!  This is the first year since I've lived in this house that the fireworks didn't start mid June. I heard the first one around 4 pm on the 3rd! But they have continued off and on. And some part of me is grateful!

Not only does she seek me out for comfort, I get cuddles and kisses and she'll nibble and play growl during the quiet times! And...she even slept with me the night of the 4th! ALL NIGHT LONG!  Happy mommy!

Play School

I read an article in Bark magazine about how beneficial play is to the relationship of dog / human (bonding/ sense of fairness / trust / shared joy) . Great. Whaddaydo when the dog doesn't know HOW to play?  Well, I'm a teacher and I'm not about allow lack of understanding in a subject stand in the way.

So, I've been giving Macy play lessons almost daily. I pick up one of her toys and race outside with it. I toss it in the air and catch it and run some more.  I roll in the grass. I pick it up and run in the house and repeat inside. And she's slowly joining me. There are days she clearly wants her toy all to herself. And I give her that. But there are days, she wants to engage me. She picked up her toy, glanced at me out of the corner of her eye and darted outside. I followed. We played.

And...the first few days we played... I got unsolicited cuddles on the sofa! Even better, it seems to carry over to how she interacts with the other dogs in the pack... Look at her chasing Wizard up there! She often got the toy that day!!

The Dog I Need

It's said you don't get the dog you want. You get the one you need. I've avoided most human relationships because I'm certain I'll be unappreciated at best and mistreated at worst. Macy seems to feel the same way about humans and not much better about most dogs. It's been thrilling to watch her choose to interact with dogs hiking or at the dog park. Recently, a stranger offered to pet her and she walked to her and stood there, getting pets and love! I just about cried!

I hear myself telling Macy, "Love doesn't have to hurt! There is someone who sees how wonderful and special you are!" And I hope it's sinking in for both of us!

Happy Half Birthday Daddy

Happy Half Birthday Daddy! Today, you would have been 97 and a half... and this afternoon is the 40th anniversary of your death.

This day and the weeks leading up to it have been torture for me for 38 of those 40 years. I thought I was over it two years ago and last year it was barely a blip on my radar...but it's back with a vengeance this year. I realize that two years ago, I was distracted with Mom's new hip surgery and delighted to be back home in my own space. And last year, my Mabel passed and I had my hands full with my new girl Macy.  Distractions are a good thing apparently.

I know you wouldn't want me to be so sad all these years...but how can I not be?? I was a rude pubescent teen, punished by the lies of my mother, the misconceptions of my grandmother, who never understood the truth of you. The unconditional love and joy you brought to my life. What a shame to have the only a parent who thinks you are wonderful for a mere 11 years!

I'm so sorry for how rude I was before you died...not wanting to talk to you. I was an angry girl...those lies not making sense and I had to struggle to find my own truth, your truth, our truth. And even now, it's still unfolding...the things this love-child never knew.

I inherited a stack of childhood photos of me when your beloved only sister (my Sissy) died. The revelations they bring are sweet and tender.

I never knew we spent a Christmas together or that I spent any Christmas with your family... but here's your mom sitting in our living room the first Christmas I remember. Mother was taking too long to warm my clothes in front of the heater and after she got my shirt on, I could stand the wait no more. I raced, bare bottomed to see if Santa had brought me a trike...And that seat was SO COLD! But I was so happy to have it, I rode around the den with my naked behind in the air! And all these years later, I learn you and Sissy and Ma Pearl were a part of it. Just look as Sissy being a little mother hen as I ride!

Here I am putting on a show in Sissy's den and I'm pretty sure that's your knee in the shot, taking the photo. Why are there so few photos of us??? I know we spent so much time together... was your fear of exposure so great that there are only two photos of us in existence??? And your head is cut off in one of them. How sad.

Again in Sissy's living room... Mother's luggage on the floor tells me we were there to stay a few days. I always remember being welcomed with open arms. Your mother and siblings and most of their spouses accepted me with love. It breaks my heart that my brothers do not. I'll bet it breaks yours too. How could a little girl be a threat to grown men?

I loved finding this shot of me coming out of the office of the family plumbing store like I owned the joint. The stories of me tossing cash out of the register are legend and it's so sweet to see me there...in your space.

So about your "half" birthday. The other day a real life friend on Facebook had bought a cake and had a party for her dad...who would have been 100...in heaven.  Seeing her video brought me so much joy. And I've been so sad, so broken, thinking of our time cut so short... that video made me realize I need to see it differently. I have to. You were born on the 9th and you left me on the 9th. So I've decided, from here on in, to celebrate how wonderful you were on your half birthday. Since you always loved a good party, I'm certain it's OK with you.

Happy Half Birthday Daddy. I love you!

GRRRRRR Bittids

That sums up our week. So sorry I haven't been reading blogs...there's just no time! I hate this time of year when our government has the audacity to make us sit down and analyze our financial lives to prove we can actually keep the fair share of the money we earned.  And like the ED boys I teach... I spend more time dreading it than the time it takes to actually DO the taxes!

But first the good news....
Macy Blue PLAYED!!! With a toy!!! AND with her Auntie! I haven't mentioned it here but, Macy got skunked last week...that's a whole 'nother Creekhiker! But I gave her a toy skunk for her Barkday...just rolled in tissue. NO tape; No string! I didn't want to terrorize her again!

She was confounded...

but finally opened it.

She moved it around the house...but never when I could see her do it. So I picked it up and made her jealous! Yes, folks! The Baby Game LIVES! I told her what a nice stuffie she was and how much I loved her and that it made me so happy to rub her tum and kiss her. Miss Macy was watching with those big roving eyes!

I came back into the living room a bit later and the stuffie was being tossed about, partially disemboweled. Squeaker eaten!!!

Then her Auntie came over and was rough housing with her. I  fussed at my friend... "You can't do that! You're scaring her!!!! She runs away from Auntie Rottrover for doing that!"

To which my friend kept right on scaring Macy! She would allow her to run away, then call her back... and Macy CAME! She would rough house with her... and Macy would run...but not as far. Call her back and she came... tail wagging!!! Macy figured out this rough housing was a GAME!!! And I learned not to be so afraid of my frightened dog!

And then the weird... I got punched this week! One of my boys was having a tantrum and my face almost got in the way, but I ducked... Still processing the potentially violent part of my new job! But still, I've never had a teaching gig I love more! Weird huh??

Lawsuit city...
I was home for Macy's Barkday because I'm suing my tenants of 17 years at my condo. It seems they've stopped paying rent, which is my primary source of income! Thank goodness for the teaching gig. What makes it harder for me is... I only got my first flat screen tv about two years ago... every other tv is a big ole tube style that works just fine, thank you! My car is 17 years old. I don't take vacations and I don't have nice parties...

But my tenants have at least four flat screens that I know of. He drives a Mercedes and had a new Harley just a few years ago (the result of Manopause!) She left a good job to start a MLM business and now has no car "for her daughter to live in!"  But the one she did have was newer than mine. They threw a blow out party for the daughter's birthday and just went on a nine day cruise to the Caribbean...but they can't pay rent???  The first bill I pay is MY rent... I can do without everything else...but the rent will get paid.

And after taking a day off... making the same boy who hit me on Tuesday cry when he learned I would be gone... and losing a pay bump that would come in three more days of consecutive work, my tenant did not show up to court... and the cycle resets! It's a delay tactic! GRRRRRR.

And don't get me started on the fire they caused...

And the creepy.... 
I don't water my front yard... drought and all. I have a catch basin in the sink and use the gray water to take care of my roses and my lemon tree. I tossed a bowl of water on the tree and noticed my neighbor's daughter in law yelling. I thought that unusual...she's a quiet girl!  Suddenly my neighbor was running up my walk with a bag!

Turns out when I tossed that water, if frightened a man lying under my dwarf tree, picking my lemons and the DIL had seen him... but not me and that's why she was screaming!

I went flying down the street, barefoot still in my nightie! I confronted this asshat, who has stopped to size up my other neighbor's fruit trees!

 "I'm sowwy. I don't speaka da English!" was all he would say. I proceed to scream at him, calling him a liar and a thief. "I'm sowwy. I don't speaka da English!" I then asked him if he understood a very blue word that is not favored by the Armenian culture, turned on my heels and came home.

Thinking of him being four feet away from me and not knowing it.... just scared the crap out of me. I wanted to know more about him. I got some shoes and pants and the dog and we jumped in the car... we followed him around the block about as stealthily as a thunderstorm and finally realized he was parked on the corner by my house...the trip around the block was a ruse!

I took photos and even followed him until he was speeding down a mountain road. Of course the cops will do nothing... but if I knew who he was I would take him to small claims for a new mature dwarf lemon tree for my back yard!

My old tree is strewn all over the front yard. The remaining lemons are at the bestie's and various neighbors. He had taken 1/3 of my crop and had another bag to fill but got interrupted. I'm working on the root ball. I'm fed up with getting around 3 lemons a year and I really don't ever want to be that close to someone robbing me and not know it!

Here's is license plate if you happen to be a neighbor:

 So now that I've got all this out of my system... maybe I can think about taxes... see ya on the flip side or the 15th...whichever comes first!

Happy Birthday to the Girl I Miss

Happy Birthday Mabel Lou! You would have been 13 today!

I'm not doing so well without you. Sure, I put on a brave face and I try to hold it together... but it's so hard.

Your replacement - that I'm certain you picked out for me - is a troubled pup. And while I'm flattered that anyone thinks I can handle this, it's so very hard.  She is such a fearful pup... I can feel her trembling when I pet her. The slightest touch can send her scurrying away and looking back at me as if I had done the most horrible, vile thing to her. Mostly, I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing at all. And I fear I'll never be able to help her.

I miss having a rough and tumble dog, one that loves a good, hearty scritch. I miss having a dog who wags her tail: the sound of my voice, the songs I sing, a tennis ball, a lizard, a golf ball, a friend... they all had their own special dance performed by the tail that was the reason I gave up on coffee tables.

I miss a dog that plays: hide and seek, chase, ball, hide the baby (stuffie). All brought you so much joy. I've given all your toys away as they mean nothing to her. I have very real fears that by the time I have a playful dog again, I'll be too old to run and jump and roll.

I miss having a dog that doesn't run squealing down the hall when I ask her to kiss my ugly mug. I miss sleeping next to you, even those times when  you would wake me as you dug my hands out from under the covers because you needed petting in the middle of the night. I miss having a dog that will nap as long as I like. I miss the earthy creeky smell of your paws.

I actually miss the constant interruptions when I work. Your perpetual nagging for me to pay attention to you. I miss our arguments. Even though we spoke different languages, I understood you and you got me! You could make your case as well as any lawyer. I would often cave... but when I said no, you would give in but make your displeasure known.

I miss having such a funny, smart, and sweet dog.

I miss you...

Spitting Fire

Dear people of Orange County CA... do you recognize this dog? Was she once yours? If you are the one who claimed her as your own and then proceeded to break down every fiber of her spirit and being, you make me want to hunt you down and hurt you.

I am not a violent person... but you, I want to hurt.  I want to hurt you bad.

Look closely at her. You called her Tina. I call her Macy. Her middle name is Blue and that's my tribute to you. You made her that way. You may not recognize her because I'm 1000% certain she looks much happier now than she did with you. But if you really look into her eyes, you'll see the sadness you put there.  I only wish I could do the same for you.

I would start by making you feel so in the way and unwanted that the only place you feel safe is in a car.  I would leave you there for days on end. You would learn to hold your bodily needs for 17 - 20 hours at a stretch because you'd be severely punished if you didn't.

I would never let you in my home and on the few occasions you did get to come inside, I would beat you mercilessly for daring to come on my sofa.

And in the yard, I would spray you down with water just for fun. Over and over and over again. To the point where you would run for your life when I turned on the hose.

You would have nothing to play with. You would never go for walks. Your only joy would be the food I place in front of you.

...But... I can't do that to you. Because I don't have it in me to treat another creature on this planet in that manner. No, all I can do is try, every single day, to undo the damage you have wrought.

I take her for long walks, often in places where she's safe to run free.

I provide routine as best I can not having a set work schedule. I feed her good food and talk to her in a soft and loving voice. I buy her big juicy bones because it's the only thing that excites her. I'm trying to teach her how to play! And I pet her as much as she will allow with soft, kind and loving hands. 

I have given up the thought of long cuddles on the sofa with her, or naps in my bed. It's more than she can handle, thanks to you. But oh so slowly, I see signs that the damage is unraveling. Just this week, she sought my hand for pets... and then did the same to her aunties that we hike with.

And for every step forward, we take a giant leap backwards. We both got into stinky mud on a hike last night and I discovered how vast her fear of the water hose was. I had to think of another way that would clean my girl and not paralyze her with fear.

During this morning's "play lesson," she got over zealous and rolled over a bone. It hurt... and thanks to you, she associates that pain with me.  She hasn't come near me for two hours.  And I knew I had to write you this note.

Since I can't really track you down and hurt you, could you please just do me a favor? Do HER a favor?

The next time you even think of bringing a dog into your home... and I do mean into your home, don't!

Dogs are pack animals. If you can't "pack up" with them...eating, sleeping, living with them as part of your life and you a part of theirs, don't get a dog.

If you can't be kind, don't get a dog. If you can't be patient, don't get a dog. If you are incapable of love, don't get a dog.

Please, let that be her legacy to you...the thing she taught you. You aren't cut out for dogs so please, leave no more damaged precious souls in your wake!