The State of California vs. Mabel Lou

Bailiff: Hear ye, hear ye, the court will come to order. The Honorable Judge Kaye Nein presiding. 

Judge Nein: Be seated. I see we have Ms. Creek Hiker for the prosecution and ... am I correct that Ms. Mabel Lou will be representing herself? 

Mabel Lou: Yes, your Honor. 

Judge Nein: You realize these accusations could have a severe penalty? 

Mabel Lou: Yes, your Honor but I'm certain a jury of my peers will find me completely innocent of these outrageous, hyped up charges. 

Creek Hiker: Uh, Your HONOR! She is attempting the prejudice the jury!

Judge Nein: Settle down, both of you. Ms. Hiker, state the charges against Ms. Lou.

Creek Hiker: Ms. Mabel Lou is charged with destruction of private property and  running from the scene of the crime. Ms. Lou has a criminal record and has served time...

Mabel Lou: OBJECTION, prejudicial. 

Judge Nein: Sustained. The jury is not allowed to consider any prior bad acts or potential criminal record of the defendant. Tread lightly Ms. Hiker!

Creek Hiker: Furthermore, I have photographs catching Ms. Lou in the act of both destroying the property and running away...

Mabel Lou: Move to disallow the photographs your Honor.

Judge Nein: On what grounds?

Mabel Lou: They're unflattering. 

Judge Nein: Order! Order! The court will come to order! Ms. Lou, this is not a three ring circus and you will take these proceedings seriously! Ms. Hiker, present your case to the jury.

Creek Hiker: Well, it's very simple. Ms. Mabel Lou was caught red pawed, digging a hole in my yard and upon discovery, she ran away! Allow me to present photographic evidence: 

Here she is digging the hole: 

Here's the GIGANTIC  hole she dug:

Mabel Lou: OBJECTION, your Honor. Gigantic is a prejudical term and has no relevance to what the hole may be used for. 

Judge Nein: Counselor, refrain from vague and prejudicial terms. You may however describe the exact measurements of said hole. 

Creek Hiker: The hole was 2.5 feet long by 1 foot wide and about eight inches deep. It could cause grievous injury to anyone that might trip or fall in it. 

Mabel Lou, Your Honor...please! 

Judge Nien, Overruled. Continue.

Creek Hiker: 

Here is a photograph of Ms. Lou with dirt on her NOSE. 

Mabel Lou: See what I mean about unflattering? 

Judge Nein: Order! ORDER! Ms. Lou, if you cause ONE more outburst in my courtroom you will spend the night in jail . 

Mabel Lou: So sorry your Honor. 

Creek Hiker: 

 Here is the defendant running away from the scene of the crime. 

And even when told to stop, return and repair the damage, she leered at me and walked away

I urge you to find the defendant guilty and the state is seeking jail time and damages.

Judge Nein: Ms. Lou, your defense? 

Mabel Lou: First of all, isn't it true that this supposed hole is right next to a fence? 

Creek Hiker: It is about a foot away from a fence. 

Mabel Lou: Hmmm more like eight inches. And if your ruler is off on that, could it be that the supposed hole is a mere four inches deep?

Creek Hiker: Wha?

Mabel Lou: Which could mean it's hardly a foot long by a few inches wide... why that's hardly big enough to even be called a hole.

Creek Hiker: My measure..

Mabel Lou: And isn't it true that several large trees were removed from this area in recent years? 

Creek Hiker: Yes.

Mabel Lou: And with the heavy winter rains we've had the past two years, aren't the roots rotting? 

Creek Hiker: Yes but...

Mabel Lou: How do you know I wasn't removing a root that you could trip and break your neck on?

Creek Hiker: Because you didn't.

Mabel Lou: Did you see me begin to dig? 

Creek Hiker: No but...

Mabel Lou: Then you have NO IDEA what I was or was not doing before being ambushed by you and your camera? 

Creek Hiker: No but...

Mabel Lou: Your Honor, I move to throw out these bogus charges. Digging a hole and, I'm not saying I DID dig a hole, is hardly grounds for jail time! 

Judge Nein: Counselors, approach. { Ms. Lou, while the jury is not to know about your prior bad acts, this is not the first time you've been charged with destruction of property. I wonder why Ms. Hiker didn't file charges before when she had video of you eating her deck! But she didn't and we're here today and the jury is seated. I'm going to let this play out and hopefully, either way, you will learn a lesson.  Back to your seats.}

Jury, you've heard the charges and seen the evidence. Please return verdict in the comments below.