Monday, August 11, 2008

Nobody Asked Me...

... But if they did, I would tell the geniuses that design computers, that all those plugs for USBs and Ethernet cables should be placed either on top or front of the can.

Why?

Because middle - aged women with bad knees and questionable eyesight do NOT enjoy crawling around on the dusty floor trying to figure out which cable goes where with an unreliable flashlight blinking in her eyes and a tech support agent yelling at her over the speaker phone! Trust me, we curse your peanut-sized design brains every time it happens!

I recently spent 21 hours (yes TWENTY ONE!) on the phone with Verizon tech support trying to get my new modem to work. It was spread out over a weekend...apparently I have nothing better to do with my life. And there's more to come. My modem is still not working properly!

So while we're on the subject of things nobody asked me, I think it should be mandatory that the CEOs and every other manager down the line to middle management should have as one of their job requirements to call their own tech support for help with some issue once a month. Really, do you think these bozo's have ever tried to get help through their own help lines??? If this were required of them on a regular basis, I'll bet their crappy service would improve! Are you listening Verizon / Citibank (Shittybank)/ WAMU ????

Let them wait on hold, press 1 for this and 2 for that. And Verizon's stupid voice analysis... let's not single them out...does any voice analysis work for anyone out there? My voice is never understood. With Verizon, you can press numbers except at the very end. It goes like this.

Annoying Female Mechanical Voice: Before I can direct your call, I need to know which operating system you use. Is is Windows or Macintosh?

Me: Windows.

AFMV: Before I can direct your call, I need to know which operating system you use. Is is Windows or Macintosh?

Me(louder): Windows.

AFMV: I really want to help you but I need to know...

Me: WINDOWS!!!

AFMV: I really want to help you but I need to know...

Me: WINDOWS!!! WINDOWS!!! WINDOWS!!!

AFMV: I'm sorry, but I really need to know....

Me: WINDOWS! WINDOWS!!! You F*&^ng Machine Bitch.

I suddenly become worried that the neighbors will call the cops or the loony bin. Then I start speaking quietly in my mixed up language mantra that I use when recordings can't understand me because they are not human beings! I eventually get transferred.

But then, I have to deal with the issue of understanding the actual live human on the end of the phone who is more likely than not on the other end of the world! What happened to good old American customer service? It moved to India or the Philippines. I often seem to get the person with the thickest English accent to the point that I cannot understand them at all. I'd love to see the CEOs of the companies that use these places actually try to have a conversation with one of these techs, much less get their computer working!

And nobody asked me this either but whoever trains the phone techs in India / Philippines, please, please do not teach them to apologize constantly. I don't want an apology! Just fix my damn problem and let me get on with my life! That is not part of the American linguistic style... have you ever thought of recording American customer service reps and using the tapes as training devices? Oh, but then you'd have to find an American customer service rep...

If you ever do find one, could you please let me know what company they work for??? I'd really, really like to bank / shop there.



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4 comments:

ordinaryjanet said...

It costs more but is easier on your blood pressure to call the Geek Squad or whatever other tech help that comes to your house.

This is one situation when I'm glad I can't hear. I'd probably beat the phone onto the desk and throw it out of a closed window. So the cost of replacing the phone and window would be about the same (or more) as having the Geeks come in to fix the damn computer.

CreekHiker said...

Janet, the Geek squad can't help when the problem is with the phone line. That's all verizon.

I call them when it's something I can't fix but this is a phone line issue.

Becky said...

Holly: I remember having to call Fed X with a problem at work from time to time, the dude would always answer an affirmative with "exactly" with his Indian accent. I finely told him, "Hey, here's a heads up, we (Americans) don't use only "exactly" for yes. How about throwing in a yes, sure, right or a you-betcha." He didn't know how to respond, it wasn't in his manual. It took twice as long to get the problem fixed. I HATED having to ship on-line. I'm glad I don't have that worry anymore.

ordinaryjanet said...

Nothing you can do, then? Gawd, how incredibly frustrating!! That would drive me nuts. Breathe slowly and eat chocolate, that'll help.