Sunday, July 06, 2014

Was She Even REAL?

In the weeks since Mabel Lou passed, my emotions have been all over the map. I keep asking myself was she even REAL? I know she was all feels like a dream. Irrationally, I seek evidence of her everywhere.

Her hair will never leave my house. Or her beloved Jeep. I hiked down to the waterfalls and found the last stick she played with. It stayed in the car until Macy came to live with me. The creek dried up and I went to where I knew Mabel had buried something she didn't want me to know about. I reminded her I knew of her hiding spot every time we passed there and she would cross the creek and check on it. I started digging and found a blue ball. It's in the car now. Silliness... but I needed proof of her. I needed to have every tangible bit of her.

 The Last Stick Rescue

I miss the strangest things. I miss arguing with her. Macy is BEYOND agreeable. Mabel and I would argue over which trails to take, when I worked on the computer, when I torched, when I went to bed. It's almost annoying to be with a dog that has no opinion about my life!

I miss her sense of play. Macy has no idea how to play. I scare her when I growl at her or hide from her! Mabel loved a good game of chase or hide and seek. She played bitey face with me (something I don't dare do with Macy! She doesn't even like me to kiss her!) and ball. Mabel loved her toys - had relationships with them! She was always doing something. We had so much fun!

(These two photos came out of my phone this way... At the time, I thought they had a ghostly quality!)

I miss cuddling. Macy does not cuddle. I thought I hated sleeping with a dog... but I sure miss being able to reach out and touch Mabel when I have a bad dream. I've had so many bad dreams these last few months.

I miss the creek... Macy is still working her way through rattlesnake shots and training. I'm not sure I'll ever make it back. With Mabel, I always feared she would meet her end via coyote. But she was big and strong and would kick ass and take names! She truly was the Queen Bitch of Everything! So Bossy! So Demanding! Despite my fears, I had a deep sense that Mabel would be OK.

But Macy is so small and I love her so much. I feel I need to protect her out in that vast wilderness. It's very different hiking with a much smaller dog!

I know my life has shifted and I'm having a hard time finding my footing. I don't expect Macy to be Mabel... or Maggie...Or Milly. She'll find her own place...we'll find our own way.

But I miss my Mabel bad.


Hailey and Zaphod and their Lady said...

It has been 3 years since my Gemi died and 4 since Loki and I often wonder if they were a dream too. It is so hard not to compare one dog with those who came before them. The good, the bad, and the ugly.I am sure in no time you and Macey will build your own relationship. Just take it all one day at a time.

Hailey and Zaphod and their Lady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rottrover said...

Well, Auntie, Macy plays with me and Mabel just bossed me around. I kinda like the new girl!


Dexter said...

There is a feeling of unreality when a loved one is gone. Partly, I think, it comes from all the new experiences, however small or big, that you start to have that don't have Mabel in them. So much of life included her, your thoughts, your words, what you felt, heard, and smelled, all Mabel. Now she is fading as new sensations take over, but she will always glow brightly in your heart.

Mango Momma

Millie and Walter said...

In time you will probably be seeing parts of Mabel, Maggie or Milly in Macy. I see parts of our past dogs in my Millie a lot and I'm sure she possesses their spirits (or at least parts of them).


Snowbrush said...

"I keep asking myself was she even REAL?"

I know what you mean. It's the same when a person dies. You try to capture their essence, and it eludes you. As you wrote, it's as if they were a dream, and not just any dream, but a dream that now seems too good to have ever been true.

"Her hair will never leave my house."

Same with Bonnie.

"Silliness... but I needed proof of her."

Proof, and maybe a sense of connection. With what heartbreak you must have found that which she had left with the thought that she would someday return to it.

"I don't expect Macy to be Mabel... or Maggie..."

If I may be forgiven for being so bold, you and she will both change as your relationship becomes more established, and who knows the extent to which Macy is aware that she doesn't measure up to Mabel, especially now that even the things that annoyed about Mabel seem precious. We've had Brewsky 3 1/2 years, and I have often asked myself, "Are we there yet?" meaning do I love him enough that I would deeply care if I didn't have him. Finally, not just my attitude toward him has changed, but his attitude toward me. Finally, I feel like we are on the same wavelength, and have each achieved a high level of trust. I hadn't looked at loving him as a two-way street but rather something I needed to do on my own and without him in any way changing, but he has changed. The more relaxed and accepting he has become, the easier it is for me to be relaxed and accepting, and the more he acts like he needs me, the more I am free to need him.

K9friend said...

Dogs truly have their own personalities, just as people do. Each is special in their own way. This was a lovely tribute to Mabel.

Critter Alley

Ruby said...

I knows you miss her so badly. She will always be with you (ya know, all the doggie hair! BOL!!!)
And, she will always be in your soul.
That last pic is amazin'!!
Ruby ♥

Anonymous said...

That's really a special picture :o) I understand that you miss this wonderful girl everyday. Some peeps&pets are always in our heart and in our minds and Mabel deserves it to have a place there.